I'm on the comp escaping from maths.
I dont know what exactly, but somethings really bothering me
garh

yea i'll probably should dismiss it as pre a levels blues.
i'm probably too stressed.

hmph wish i could speed up time or sth.
the alternative would be to be more optimistic.**

eh but the more i think about it
the less reason i have to feel stressed

but feelings are kind of separated from rational thoughts i suppose
it would be good if i were a totally rational being

but then again,
no one is.


okay this sounds crappy.
but it'll do as a blog entry =)

THE Enlistment Letter

wow. finally got the letter. THE LETTER.
i mean, the enlistment letter.
im due at tekong on 12 Jan 2007. BMTC2. 2.30pm.
okay.
i need to get mentally prepared.

but first,
a levels. :P

went for piano lessons today. my teacher took the opportunity to show me a composition of his. a short oriental piece called nan wang or sth. he says its a LOVE song for some Singaporean ghost movie his friend is producing. WOW!

didnt do much during the lesson otherwise. heh due to lack of practise most of my pieces are in disarray. guess my teacher knows tt too - he let me listen to music for most of the lesson. debussy, brahms, and of course a few of his compositions. eh he composed the school song for awwa special school or sth!

BUT something makes me feel less at ease. i mean piano lessons are enjoyable, but i cant exactly continue having lessons regularly especially when the A levels start.
AND though my teacher insists says tt i can pop by his home anytime during that period, i dun think i will. THIS MEANS he will still continue getting paid despite me missing lessons.
hmph i dun think this is fair lar, but how will i convince him to allow me to pause my lessons??!!

grrr..

i shall do some self reflection today.
i often ask myself how i am feeling at a particular moment - n the answer usually differs at different times.
but after doing this list, i feel that i am like SUCH a predictable person ~

the list of really random thoughts i have at different times

• when i am online - i tell myself shldn't i be studying - but i continue anyway. sometimes i feel that i deserve a break (or tt i shld go on strike n stop studying)

clarification: really, mugging isn't really that horrible for me. yes, i hate doing repetitive stuff. but i guess theres always new things to learn everytime u pick up the notes. (HONESTLY this is what i feel)

• when i am with friends - sometimes i feel out of place lar. i seriously think i should talk more but sometimes it just feels weird leh. actually i think i am probably friendlier than i was last year. yes i agree i could be friendlier!
  

• random moments, like before i fall asleep or when im alone on a bus. i think a lot abt how ppl view me. all the time. i am surprisingly self conscious i guess.
  
• OF COURSE I also think about a levels, the future. universities. what i should do. a lot of things seem quite uncertain at this juncture. which explains why i feel a bit lost and confused. *sigh
  

• when i am studying - i 'try' to concentrate - so its probably the time when i dun exactly consciously "feel" anything.. inside i possibly feel a little bored. i think this depends on what i am studying.
  

i think physics is still my favourite subject. followed by chemistry. but justbecause i like these subjects or am good at these subjects doesnt mean that i MUST do something related to them. i think in the past my mind was clouded. (i was just naive lar!) i felt that coz im better at science means that i had to do something related to science. but lots of people do jobs that they didnt set out to do in the first place! my parents for example chose their jobs as engineers arbitrarily. the stuff u do in school just gives u the exposure; they don't determine your exact path in life.

i'm just saying that i need to be open. i am definitely considering science - related jobs and courses, simply because i've got some interest and experience. but that shouldnt limit my prospects. maybe i could try like music.. or computer science.. mathematics.. even game design.. stuff that i am curious about but hadn't had a chance to go seriously into. hmph. tough luck - coz i know i wont get to try all the options.

(and what about food science? culinary stuff? or maybe i should just work in NEOPETS)

im just analysing my own behaviour. BUT if anyone reads this and wants to comment - just tell me lor.

i think - life could be better. of course, things could be much much worse than the way things are right now. *shld be thankful*

-- this ends the long n garrulous post --


this blog layout must be reaally bad. which explains why i have so little visitors.
garh.